listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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