I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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