You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
