please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
