Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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