I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
