God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
