my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
