LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
