I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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