I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
