I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
