Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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