Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
