I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
