I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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