Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize