Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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