remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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