I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
