Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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