This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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