i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
