Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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