Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
