I feel great
I just peed on a car
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
