I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
