My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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