that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
