Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
