nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
