Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
