My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
