Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
