call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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