ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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