I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
