my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
