So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
