Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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