So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
People in love make me want to vomit
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
3pm strippers are depressing
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
