How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So squirting runs in the family.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
