My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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