Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
be right there i have to get my cape
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
