Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
