There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
