I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
