I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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