I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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