well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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