Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
