i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
