i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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